2017 where did the time go?

moi

Happy new year !

I can not believe I am 41 years old and in Sept of this 2017, I turn 42. I'm officially old. My next big birthday is 50. How did this happen? I feel 25, certainly act 25 lol.  

I don't want to grow up. My son turns 13 this year and my daughter turns 11. This year I will become the mom of a teenager.  He was honestly just born. I remember the day clearly in my head as if it was yesterday. but apparently, it was 13 years ago. 

At 41 my life has not been exactly easy. My childhood could be told in an after school special and to this day I have not dealt with some of the issues, and then in my adult life I found out I had a brain aneurysm and had it coiled in 2010. 

Since then I have been plagued with headaches, anxiety and just depression. Two surgeries to coil it in place to make sure I survive and live but then  I complain about the headaches. 

I always had anxiety I just wasn't aware until they put me on ciprelex and my OCD-like tendencies stopped. No more checking the stove several times to make sure it is off. No more checking the door to make sure I locked it.

However, I became aware of my anxiety. I was now treating it.  Seven years later I still take my ciprelex daily. I tried twice to go off but I need it. 

I take Ativan for sudden panic attacks and I constantly read positive quotes online to try to fill my mind and heart with positive thoughts. 

Well.. I teach special needs children. This year I took a mental health leave to get better. I have been off since Oct.  I was going to return now. Then I talked to my Dr's about a treatment program I saw for people with anxiety, depression, and chronic pain. It is 8 weeks long. 

It is every day. You do yoga, meditation, counseling and group counseling,  Everyday for 8 weeks. It is pricey but I think I am worth it. So, for the first time in all of my life, I am taking care of me. 

It starts in a week and I am tad nervous and excited and hesitant. I am not one to be into hocus pocus and meditation sounds a tad silly to me. 

I am going in with an open mind though and willingness to try it. I have struggled for a long while now with " why did god let me live? " What is my purpose" 

Two years ago I lost my best friend to an argument. She is very much alive and well. I myself begged and pleaded for almost two years to get her friendship back.  

I lost my worth because she was my best friend and family. My maid of honor. My kids god mom. The fight was about a co-worker too. Then issues we had for 20 years came spealing out. I thought we needed a small break. She though thought we needed a forever break. 

 

 

The fact that she could walk away from me broke me. I lumped her in with " people I really loved who left me" and for 2 years I tried to forget her by making new friendships that were bad for me and my marriage. Drinking too much, partying and acting like a 25-year-old.  I just lost myself. 

I lost my self-worth and gave her so much power to make me feel that way.

I'm hoping this course helps me heal from that lost friendship.  Helps me find me again, and helps me find happiness again.  

Anxiety is terrible. The worry the panic. The stupid scenarios you think in your head. Maybe I will learn new coping skills as well. 

well,Usually since I am chubby gal ( size 14-16)  I usually say " I want to lose 20 lbs "  or " I will save this much money" 

 

This year .. 2017. I just want to be Happy. 

 

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